The Telling Truth

One test away from being done with my Junior year, which means I have MONTHS left to decide wtf I want to do with my life. Just the thought freaks me out.

For now I just wanna be in my bed cuddling with a boy (another thing I need to work on).

So here I come Summer '09, gonna make it a good one.

There is this boy who needs to man up and make this happen.
Que effin frustrating.

Interesting how life changes.

Give me something to work with 2009.

So much to say so little motivation to sit here and say it.

My life lately is way too up and down.
Really good happy days and really lame lonely days.

Im interested to see where life takes me, you know having those days (hopefully) that change your whole perception of life. I wanna just wake up one morning and know exactly what I want to do and where I wanna be. Its wishfull thinking but its not unheard of.

I think im gonna go to Prague next Spring and save my Italy adventures for my own time.

I wanna meet someone that changes my life for the better and teaches me new things.

...Bed time the first of 4 finals tomorrow <3

Keep on keepin on.

Maybe this will work.

Life is so overwhelming and sometimes we get so caught up in everything around us that we forget that all we have is our life. The present, what is happening right now. The friendships, the relationships.

We forget about what's important and contributes to our well being and concentrate on luxuries that don't contribute to nothing but our superficial happiness.

I am guilty of all these things but it seems that its a cycle that people can't escape.

When I come to this realisation time and time again I get mad at myself and try over and over to keep this ahead of my thought.

-Still annoyed (and by that I mean in love) with whats his face.
-Still love Stephy.
-Love Natalie again (it only faded for a bit b/c...I dont remember)
-Working, bleh but making money.
-School, annoying but doing good.
-Living by myself this fall, should be interesting.
-Living in the complex where all my party friends live. ehm.
-Wanting to meet someone that gives me butterflies.

Hi my name is Jessi and i'm a chronic bitcher, sometimes :)

What do you do when you feel you've done everything you could have done but still think you could of done something different or better?

Circumstances and what ifs in life are too much for brain to try and understand.

Its weird how you become so accustomed to having a certain person in your life.

It shouldn't be like that, people shouldn't become so comfortable. Being comfortable means there will eventually be discomfort.

I hate missing a person that is only a minute away.

Love is hard.

ehmm.

its crazy how much my life changes in between these entries.

Still in Tally. Stuck with my roomate...and yes I used the word stuck on purpose. Not still with Mark but definitely still in love with him, its complicated times five million. We are so amazing together, and we both know it. We met too early in life and now its just a huge web of being scared, other people's opinions, temptation, confusion, and love.

I always knew that Stephy was my twin lol but these past year has made me realize that she really is my other half. I hope that everything works out her way. I also hope she comes to Tally :) but we'll see how that goes. We understand eachother more than I think any of my friends ever have. I love her, shes my sister, my future bridesmaid, we're gonna bitch about pregnancy together, and then be annoying old ladies that play pranks on our husbands. I love that little slut <3

Gah. What I would give to see myself ten years from now...but I gues that defeats the purpose of life and the decisions you make. 

-Jessi

So its been years since I write in this here journal. Its the sunday before finals and I as always am procrastinating. These past months of my life have probably...actually defintely have been the most intense of my life. Between the countless hours of work and the countless hours of just drunk fun freshman year here at FSU has prooven to be all that it was supposed to be. Meeting Mark, the twin from orientation lol and eventually becoming his girlfriend :) after some other labels lol has been the best thing to happen to me this year. I am 100% comfortable and happy when i'm with him. We practically live together and every moment is different from the next. I can laugh and annoy him and then kiss him and love him lol. I honestly have to say that I really didnt think it would ever happen, but thankfully it did and I can't say that I have any complaints. 

Going back home this summer ironically (looking back at some old enteries) is going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm getting a job (my first) and am gonna try to take a couple classes in Dade to get ahead. I'm really excited to be able to hang out with Stephy whenever I want and see my friends whenever I want. The drama is probably going to continue because well...whats Miami without drama? but hey shit happens and life goes on. Leaving Mark is for sure gonna kill me. Not being to see him whenever I want is going to be very weird....but i'm gonna visit him and he's gonna visit me (he better anyways). Coheed is playing Warped Tour and I pretty much can say with confidence that I will orgasm in front of that stage...lol. no lie. 

Living at home again is gonna blow major monkey cock. Having to listen to them about coming home early and cleaning this and that is pretty much going to drive me to insanity. Hopefully they will realize that they can't have the control they had over me before. I'm not a little girl anymore, as much as I choose to act that way at times. I've been on my own for some time now and can say that I really enjoy it. 

Next yea im coming back to my own apartment with a friend of mine, whose name also happens to be Jessica. Its another aspect of my life that should be interesting with the recent drama that has been filling our lives. A life that ive decided can handle nor wants to handle anymore drama.

On the bright side of that situation...its a 2/2 mean I have my own bathroom so if it gets to the point of a possible murder i'll have my bed and bathroom at my fingertips.

cheers to an interesting summer...hopefully filled with laughter and zero drama. 
gotta party it up. 

-Jessi.

It seems like a lot of people are coming to terms with who they are and what they have become. I must say that I feel that I am nearing the feeling and it makes me very happy. I thought that leaving to Tallahassee was going to be the end of my life...but its proven to be the beginning of it. I've met a few new people and i'm happy with the decision i've been making. I'm finally feeling like an adult...even though my mommy and daddy still send me money lol. I can feed myself and keep my life under control. I miss my parents dearly but not as much as I expected myself too, which makes me happy. I miss my friends a lot but it feel like i'm closer to them oddly enough. It's funny because being in Miami I never felt the need to call my friends because I knew I was gonna see them...but seeing a person doesn't mean having conversations with them. The phone and my computer being my only means of communication with them has made me feel closer to them than ever. The phone and computer forces you to only have conversation...it feels like I know more about my friends now than I did before (with its exceptions). 

I talk to my parents everyday and my dad never fails to get teary eyed towards the end of the conversation. My mom is still her crazy self with her stupid comments and unsually foward questions about guys and what i've been up to. I heard my dog bark over the phone today and I got a lump in my throat...it's sad that he is what makes me cry lol. 

I love how people that i've always wanted to be close with or those who I feel have had a wall up have taken the event of my leaving as the perfect time to be able to have conversations with me and be best friends for life. Better now than never but still earlier would of been better lol.

Classes start on Monday and it should be a hell a interesting.
-Mondays and Wednesdays : Reliogion and Morality (8-8:50), Bioligy (9:05-9:55), and English (3:35-4:50)
-Tuesdays and Thursdays : Criminology Seminar (5:15-6:30)
-Fridays : Religion and Morality (8-8:50) and Biology (9:05-9:55)

Planning on joining the whole little Salsa situation here.
Can't wait...
There BETTER be a hott ass Salsa dancer or the world hates me. :]

I love Stephy and Monkey for life. :]

Moved in...
sitting in the "common room" (Harry Potterrr! lol)
my room mates are cool.
Saying bye to my parents was intense.

I'm on my own.
Settled in.

Gahhhh.
I miss my parents.
I miss Stephy.
I miss Niche.

its all starting.
never thought it would come <3

I woke up earlier that I have in years...went online to have sort of contact with the outside world concidering that my phone is shit and has been disconnected since Saturday. My mom hasn't paid the bill (wow...sounds spoiled as hell). I headed over to Monkey's house but not before making a stop at BK...I needed a chicken sandwhich in my life. Blah so anywhooo I went on my marry way to Monkey's house and then got there to be welcome by huge hug from Brandon lol...and I saw Katie, who I hadn't seen in a while. After doing a x-treme slurrpy run we head over to dolphin because Monkey wanted to pick up a board from work..Stephy baught ubber cute shoes :] and we saw an ubber cute boy (pshh jesus) lol. They tied the board on top of my car, Lucy...she's so awesome. Drove off to the beach and got stabbed by a gagillion grains of sand and faught the waves off under the o so sunny sky. We then sat and talked caca and were paid a visit by the end of the world. As soon as we had decided to head out because it was getting pretty creepy out the sky fell on us and we had to run over to Lucy soaking wet. We then went over to Stephys to do the whole pizza and a movie thing. Driving over there was basically hell because it was pouring there was traffic and I experienced some for of chinese water torture. So after getting to Stephy's we changed into dry clothes and ate the best pizza ever, then a movie (insane...yea I forgot the name though). After I played with Lilo because I love him and for the first time he was super cute with me :D. Katie and I hung out in the living room watching VH1...shes so cute. 

Then I got into my wet Lucy...she's gonna smell like ass face...hopefully not though. I dropped of Monkey and Steph at Monkey's and I came home...ate some mac and cheese and did the myspace thing. Noww i'm laying down watching The O.C. Season 2 with my dog at my side, snorring. 

Tomorrow i'm off to my moms office to do some FSU paper work and find out how much i'm getting. Then hopefully Stephy and I will go to the Titanic thing...but thats if all goes well with everything..because we suck. 

Praying for my phone to come back, Jessi.

p.s. I hate a horseface. :]

So I decided to watch a re-run of Gilmore Girls today, a show that I used to watch with my mom every Tuesday. The season is over so now they only give re-runs on WB and on ABC Family they give re-runs from old seasons. It happened to be the episode in which Rorey moved into her dorm at Yale and her mom dropped her off and there was the whole drama about her missing her mom and the mom missing her and the house feeling empty without Rorey. Soooo of course I got all teary eyed and again was hit by the fact that I am leaving my home, my family, my friends, my dog in two weeks. There are some days that I am nothing but fed up with everything and think that me moving away couldn't be coming at a better time...and then like right now that I don't know how I am supposed to start all over from scratch. No home, no family, no friends, and no dog...I am going to be living with 3 girls that I don't even know if i'll like...and knowing myself probably won't but will have to deal with them for a year. FSU is ginormous and dealin with a campus that big and my wonderful sense of direction is going to be beautiful. I'm gonna miss the cuban food and the clubs that you can get into wearing converse. Calling up Stephy and meeting up with her to just talk shit and complain about how much everything in the world sucks and how everyone should just kill themselves...I mean honestly...who else can I actually have a conversation like that with and have them know that I don't ACTUALLY want anyone to kill themselves (mostly). My partying with Valerie, Carlos, and Gen...and just dancing it up and not giving a fuck, making fun off all the people around us that are asking to be mocked. Then random weekends with Erica, Wiri, and Los of insane fucked-up ness that as simple as they are come with so much and have changed who I am and essentially made me more of a real person. Even those friends that I don't really talk to everyday but know that I have the option of asking to hang out for a weekend. Blahhhhhh I hate thinking about it.

I have a lot of friends telling me that they are going to go up to Tally and visit me and I really hope they do and arn't just bluffing. I know I will get situated up there eventually its just what i'm gonna have to go through to reach the point of comfort. I hope Stephy goes so I can show her everyone that i'm not gonna like...lol and show her the places where the world let me know once again how much it thinks I sucks. I hope Valerie and Gen go so I can show them all the hott guys that better be there and take them to all the clubs that i've had amazing times in. I hope that Carlos gets over our little Gator/Seminole hate goes to visit me so I can give him another wonderful dorm expirience and we could take out shots and dance like black people. I hope Los goes for his birthday so we could celebrate his 21-ness and pretend he isn't turning 22 along with Erica and Wiri and we could rent a room in a hotel and die in there watching TV and laughing at eachother stupidities. 

Everyone tells me how they admire me for having the "fortitude" to leave and move out on my own to somewhere I don't know anyone. I'm happy that people view me in that way but I don't think people realize how much I am shiting myself (for a lack of better words) and how much time I know I will spend crying or atleast spacing out to Coheed on y head phones waiting for my time to come back home to sit and talk to Stephy, to go out with Valerie and Gen to Miami Beach and holler at the "Papis," and to go over to Wiri's and do what we always do. 

Today as much as I have always known it...I have realized how much of an impact each and everyone of my friends (close or not so much) have made me who I am today.

Jesus...what else would livejournal be good for?

-Jessi.  

Woke up today to watch my two hours of shows...I talk to Stephy and she told me abouther o so exciting day of caca in which she didnt accomplish anything because the world sucks and it hates us..we just love each other lol. She bought me a Johnny Depp from McDonalds he's so awesome...god that man is amazing. We talked for a while about randomness and I decided that I wanted to go and buy John a fish today...so I talk to Stephy about it and we got really excited about going to the store to but the fishy. Her and Monkey's anniversary is tomorrow (technically today) so we went on a hunt for his present. We decided on a movie so we went to best buy and got him the coolest edition of "V for Vendetta" (can't spell caca) which had a little mask of the guy...I took a pic of it and made it the background to my phone..it looks bad ass. 

The guy at petsmart was mad weird...he would talk to Stephy and I and look at out feet or stuff behind us. I hate it when people can't make eye contact, and I mean it wasn't even us it was with everyone. Creepy shit. Steph and I ended up picking out this insane fish that had some sort obsession with the side of the tank and would swim up and down against the wall. When the guy went to go get him he went crazyyy and swam all over the place. I decided to name him something french because he has whiskers...so I picked Le Peau. So yea random present for John. 

Ummm I finally changed my Renaissance class to Religion and Morality..so i'm super excited about the class..it sounds super interesting and should help me decided if I want to minor in Religion. Yesterday I went to Olive Garden with Stephy and Monkey and I bought Olive Garden salad dressing...I have not been so excited for one thing in forever. I'm gonna try to go to Publix tomorrow and buy myself some salad so I could come home and orgasm over the dressing...psh YES its that good. 

So anywho after driving around we went to BK and Stephy bought me some BK because genious me left my money in my other pants at home. It was probably the best chicken sandwhich i've had in a while. I love food. We headed over to Monkey's and then went over to AJ's to play some pool. It was cool...hadn't hung out there in a good while. Evan ended up hanging out with us, he's such a cool kid...makes me happy that he's back to normal. There was awkwardness, more than I was ready for between myself and some others...it sucked...but whatever I leave in two weeks so I really don't even think I should sweat it anymore. It's crazy how things change...people change. 

After I came home to sleeping parents..the excitment. I called my cousin and we talked for a bit...I love her...I really don't know what I would do without her. 

-Jessi.

p.s. I really want to go to Cali on Sept.30 to see Coheed...but it's probably not gonna happen. Maybe my parents can get me an amazing early early birthday present. I think I would have heart attach if I saw them...gosh i'm in love. <3 lol. 

So today I cried for the first time about leaving...in the midst of all my drama with my mom and just within myself my dad walks in and tells me that he is gonna miss me and that he remembers when I was tiny and up to his waist...so I died. This brings me to my next drama rama...I love my parents more than life itself, they are my life and have been forever. Its been the three of us against the world. My mom and I have been best friends since I was born...i'm one of those odd children that tell their mom just about everything...but now when the time has come for me to leave and become my own person she is nose deep in work and stress and we barely talk anymore. Literally I see her when shes asleep and for about 5 mins. at around 7PM each day. I leave in two weeks and still have nothing what so ever for school or my dorm...I am insane amounts of confused with how much i'm getting and financial aid and how much I owe. Yesterday my mom walks in my room for those wonderful 5 mins. and she starts telling me off on why I still havn't called the FAFSA people and blah blah so as I went online to see if I could figure out the magical number she starts telling me off again because she tells me that if she knows the number she is gonna stress more and all this other shit.

So last night during my insomnia I went to FSU site and did the whole nine looking around blah blah finally changes my Renaissance class to Religion and Morlity...which i'm super excited about and if its not too insane i'm probably gonna minor in Religion. Gahh so besides all this wonderful ranting...a lot of random shit has happened this week...and I mean A LOT.

There is moreeeeeeeee but w/e...I'm making rice and i'm hungry and I want to hurt someone and leave my house. So off I go to eat and shower and get ready to hang out with the only sanity in my life as of now Stephy.

-Jessi.

p.s. five million type-os and all that. sorry about that <3